L ¦ M ¦ N
Scout, turning off radio: "I hope that Land Shark doesn't show up
Three loud knocks are heard. "Who is it?"
Offstage: "Pizza delivery"
Scout: "Oh, great! Come on in!" He reaches offstage to open the door. Hands reach out and pull him off with a loud growl. Curtain closes.
Curtain opens on another Scout: "I've heard so many rumors about that Land Shark. I'm curious." (Three loud knocks.) "Who is it?"
Offstage: "Luke Paterson from Metropolitan Life."
Scout: "What do you want?"
Offstage: "I need to review your policy. Your never know when something might happen!"
Scout: "Come in." Opens door. Loud growl. Grabbed and pulled offstage. Curtain closes.
Curtain opens on an older Scout. He hears three knocks. "Who is it?"
Offstage: "Pharmacy delivery."
Scout: "I didn't order any medicine."
Scout: "From whom?"
Scout: "My pipes are fine! Say, I know who this is. It's that nasty Land Shark!"
Offstage, in a small voice: "I'm only a guppy, sir."
Scout: "Oh, all right. Come in, then." Opens the door and is pulled offstage. More growls. Curtain closes.
Curtain opens on an old, sharp Scout. He hears three knocks. "Who is it?"
Offstage: "Boy Scout Troop 144. Would you like to buy some fertilizer, sir?"
Scout, looks at the audience and smiles knowingly: "Just a minute." He gets a large stick and prepares to hit the Shark. "Come in."
He swings the stick offstage. There is a loud thump. A very young Scout in full uniform stumbles onto the stage and dramatically falls, face first.
Owner : (Yanking imaginary rope, while mower sputters) This darned old mower, I can't get it going. I need some help. (Gets help from another participant.)
Helper #1: So you just want me to yank on this rope, and get it started ? That's easy ! (Yanking rope)
Mower : (Splutters, bobs up and down)
Helper #1: I'm sorry. I can't seem to do it. Have you checked the gas ?
Owner : Yes, I have. Thanks anyway. Well, let's see who else has a strong arm. (Selects another participant) What I need you to do is to give a real good yank on the starting rope and make it run.
Helper #2: Sure thing. (Yanks rope a couple of times.)
Mower : (Bobs up and down, sputters, coughs)
Helper #2: Sorry, I can't do it either.
Owner : What I need is someone big and strong (Selects a Leader) (Leader will probably make some comments, but let him talk and get him to pull the rope)
Mower : (Splutters, coughs, starts to vibrate and run)
Owner : There. All it needed was a good jerk.
Cast: Narrator, French Person, Storekeeper, Border Guard
Narrator: This man (indicate French person) wanted to learn English so that he could go to the US to do some shopping. So he went to a store and bought a radio (transaction made with shopkeeper.) He listened to it all the time until finally, when he thought that his English was good enough, he went to the border.
Border Guard: Where are you going, Sir?
Frenchman: (Crackles a response, like radio with bad reception.)
Kid: (To teacher) May I go to the washroom?
Teacher: First you have to recite the alphabet.
Kid recites the alphabet BUT leaves out the letter P.
Teacher: You forgot the letter P. What happened to it?
Kid: It's running down my pants!
The skit should be practiced, both for the greatest effect and for the protection of the Scout, who must know how to absorb the blow. The Scout turns his back to the Master of Ceremonies. He bends partly forward, and pulls the tubing over his shoulder. When the tubing is released, he falls forward and rolls toward the opposite shoulder. If he holds the tube properly, it will fly over his shoulder with a 'Snap!' He will not be hurt unless he takes the blow squarely. The Master of Ceremonies should know what is going to happen and how he should act, but he does not have to know when he will receive his long-distance phone call.
The Master of Ceremonies is presiding over a Court of Honor or a campfire. A Scout runs onto the stage and interrupts him dramatically, " I have a long distance telephone call for you!"
The Scout has a length of rubber tubing. He hands one end to the MC, explaining that this is the phone line. "I'll get the line straightened out and connect you. When I say 'Ring-Ring', you hold it up to your ear and say 'Let me have it', and you'll get your call."
The MC looks skeptical, looks at the Scout, then at the tube, then at the Scout again and finally agrees. The Scout stretches the line and says, "Ring- Ring". The MC looks at the audience, then at the Scout, and plays dumb. "What was I supposed to say?"
The Scout walks back and repeats his instructions very patiently. He rehearses the MC, making him repeat the lines. They try again. The Scout stretches the line further than before. He says, "Ring-Ring". The MC forgets again.
The Scout goes through it all again. This time he gets the audience to help by saying the key phrase, "Let me have it!" With a big grin for the audience, he repeats this several times.
This time he stretches the tube to its limits, turning his back to the MC, bending over, and holding the tube over his shoulder. He looks at the audience. "Ready?" "Ready!" "Ring-Ring."
The MC looks at the audience and grins. Now he understands. "Wait. What am I supposed to say?"
The Scout frowns at the audience, loses his temper, and calls out, "Let Me Have It!" The MC lets go.
Scott: (Enters) Gee, it's always nice to get a letter from home when you're at camp.
Robin: (Enters) Hey, look, I got a letter from my Mom.
Scott: Me too. Listen, my Mom says she's writing this letter slowly, because she knows I can't read fast.
Robin: Mine says I won't know the house when I come home.. They've moved !
Scott: Oh, my Dad has a new job with 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Robin: Our neighbors started keeping pigs. Mom got wind of it this morning.
Scott: Oh, my goodness. My little brother came home from school crying because all the other boys had new clothes and we can't afford any for him. Mom says she got him a new hat and lets him stand in the window.
Robin: There was a washing machine in the new house. But my Mom put four shirts in it, pulled the handle and they disappeared. Guess it doesn't work right.
Scott: My Mom had her appendix out and a dishwasher put in. And, oh, my sister had a baby this morning. Mom doesn't know if I'm an Aunt or and Uncle, because she doesn't know yet if it's a boy or a girl.
Robin: Oh, dear, there's a P.S. It says, I was going to send you $ 10.00, but I had already sealed the envelope.
Scott: Well, it's nice to know things are normal at home.
Robin: Yep. (Both exit)
(With this skit it is possible to put each boy's script on a sheet of paper, and they can read it out, as though they were reading the letter. They should rehearse, of course, to make it sound natural.)
First guy: "Now we need to row out and light the lighthouse." The two guys sit on the floor, pretending to be in a rowboat. "Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!" They scoot along backwards to the lighthouse, like they are rowing a rowboat.
First guy: "Now it's time to light the lighthouse. Matches! Matches?"
Second guy, hitting his forehead: "We forgot the matches!"
Pretend to row back to shore and get the matches, then row back
First guy: "Matches? Good. Wick?"
Second guy: "We forgot the wick!"
Pretend to row back to shore and get the matches, then row back
First guy: "We've got the wick now? Good. Matches?
Second guy: "Um, ..."
First guy> "You forgot the matches again."
Second guy nods. Pretend to row back to shore and get the matches, then row back.
First guy: "Matches."
Second guy: "Matches."
First guy: "Wick."
Second guy: "Wick."
First guy: "Finally! Now it's time to light the lighthouse!"
Both guys kiss the girl on the cheeks, then run offstage as fast as they can. Hopefully the girl will blush, lighting the lighthouse.
3-6 Scouts for the lighthouse walls
3-6 leaders, counselors, kitchen staff, etc., number to equal the Scouts and will be 'recruited' during the skit
1 flashlight, or 2 if using 5-6 Scouts
Scouts stand in a circle, facing out, feet spread 2' - 3' apart but touching feet of Scouts on each side. The flashlight is held at eye level and is passed around the circle. Scouts stand tall and hold the beacon's beam steady.
Narrator: "Many years ago the people of a seaside village built a lighthouse to warn approaching ships of a dangerous shoal near their harbor. It's beacon could be seen for miles, even in fog and storms. For many decades, the lighthouse stood firm and gave safe passage to all who sailed by the village. But as the years went by, the villagers grew old and so did the lighthouse. The villagers could no longer make repairs, the ocean's waves wore away the foundation, the lighthouse started to sag and failed at its duty."
The Scouts now stoop, heads lean to the side and bend their knees slightly; the light 'travels' a zig-zag path around.
Narrator: "When the schooners and square riggers started to go aground on the shoals, the old villagers knew they had to call in experienced people to help with their problem. People who were pillars in their own communities and who were solid as a rock."
Recruit your favorite 'I'm gonna get you now' people and instruct them to go down on their hands an knees and into the walls. Leaders are facing in with their derrieres out, and are straddled by the Scouts who again stand tall and give a steady light.
Narrator: "Now with these new rocks placed into the foundation, the lighthouse once again shines a bright beacon and stands firm in the stormy surf to withstand the pounding of the waves."
Scouts drop the flashlight and then hand paddle the leaders.
Each time the chaplain explains that he is the chaplain and cautions the Scouts for their language and that they will anger the Lord. Finally the chaplain being somewhat put outs says: "If you use that language once more, the Lord will strike you down on the spot!". Repeat the scenario, There is one, bang, Dang missed again. Then from outside of the campfire are is a loud band, One of the Scouts yells look out for the lightening, and the chaplain fall to the ground. A voice from outside the campfire says in a deep voice, "Dang! Missed Again!"
Cast: Narrator, two hunters, Melican, Loon, wise man
Setting: Out in the woods
Narrator: This is the story of the little-known Melican and two hunters' efforts to capture it. For instance, watch.
The Melican, which has been dancing around during the Narrator's speech, suddenly spots the two hunters, who blunderingly, and unsuccessfully, attempt to catch the Melican. During the next speech, all actors act according to the Narrator's storyline.
Narrator: Several times our bold hunters attempt to catch this Melican; they use traps, "Melican" calls, even a sick loon. (Every once in a while the actors make appropriate comments.) But all this was to no avail. Finally, they consulted a wise man.
Hunter 1: Wise man, we have been trying to catch the Melican for quite a while, but without any success. We even tried to lure it with a sick loon, because we'd heard that it was a good idea. What do you suggest?
Wise man: (In one of those old, strained, many years-of-experience sage voices,) You have been going about it almost in the right way. But the Melican also needs a sweeter trap!
Hunter 1: (Bewildered) Uh... Thank you, Wise man! Let's go!
Hunter 2: What did he mean by a sweeter trap?
Hunter 1: I don't know. Maybe we should feed our sick loon some sugar!
Hunter 2: Sugar?
Hunter 1: Yeah! You know, like sugar cured ham!
Narrator: And so our brave hunters took a bag of sugar and forced it down the loon's throat. Ahh ... Watch now as the Melican spots our loon.
The Melican sees the loon and DIVES for it, at which point, the hunters capture the Melican.
Narrator: Out brave hunters have finally succeeded in capturing the Melican. Which, dear audience, leads to the moral of this story ... A loonful of sugar helps the Melican go down!
Passer-by #1: (Enters) What's wrong little boy, why are you crying?
Boy : (Sobbing) I lost my lollipop !
Passer-by #1: Have you looked for it ?
Boy : (Continues to sob) Oh, yes, I've looked under my bed, in my sock drawer, and even in Charlie's pocket.
Passer-by #1: I've heard that chanting often works. You think very hard about the lollipop until you can see it in your mind, and chant 'lollipop' over and over again.
Boy : (Closing eyes tightly) Big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop.
Passer-by #1: (Nods approval and strolls out)
Boy : (Continues chanting for a while, then starts crying again)
Passer-by #2: (Enters) What's wrong, little boy ?
Boy : (Sobbing) I lost my lollipop, and I hunted and hunted, then this man told me to chant, and I did, and it didn't work !
Passer-by #2: Chanted ?
Boy : Yeah, like this (Demonstrates, then starts to cry)
Passer-by #2: Don't cry little boy. Maybe we need more help.
Boy : (Turns to audience) You're my only help to get my lollipop back. Everybody, very softly now, chant with me, "Big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop, big red yummy lollipop." (Gets everyone doing it in unison) Great ! I think it's working, keep going now.
Passer-by #1: (Re-enters) Hi little boy. Did it work ?
Boy : (Loudly) No, it didn't, but I did find a whole lot of suckers !
Scene: One person acts as a lamp post, shining a flashlight on the ground. Another (#1) is groping around in the pool of light.
A third person enters, sees # 1, and asks: "What are you looking for ?"
# 1: "A quarter that I lost".
He joins # 1, and helps him search. A fourth and fifth enter and repeat the above scene.
Finally one of them asks # 1: "Where did you loose the quarter ?"
# 1: (Pointing away) "Over there:.
Boy: "Then why are you looking here ?"
# 1: "Because the light is better over here !"
Announcer: We see here a construction site. It is now lunch time, and two friends are about to eat.
Worker 1: (Opens lunch bag and looks very disgusted) Yechhhh !! Egg salad sandwiches again !
Worker 2: Look, if you hate them that bad, I'll swap with you.
(Both pretend to eat, then exit.)
Announcer: The next day.
Worker 1: (Enters with Worker 2, opens lunch bag and looks very disgusted) Yechhhh !!! Egg salad sandwiches again !
Worker 2: O.K... I'll trade with you again. (Both pretend to eat, then exit.)
Announcer: The next day.
Worker 1: (Enters with Worker 2, opens lunch bag and looks very disgusted) Yechhh !! Egg salad sandwiches again !
Worker 2: (Angrily) Look, if you don't like egg salad sandwiches, why don't you ask your (wife/mom/significant other) to make something else ?
Worker 1: My (wife/mom/significant other)?? She's got nothing to do with it. I make my own sandwiches !
Scene begins with doctor sitting on one of the chairs.
First patient enters twitching their left arm.
DOCTOR: 'And what's wrong with you sir?'
Patient 1: 'As you can see doctor I have this terrible twitch'
DOCTOR: 'Just sit on my magic chair and you'll get better'
The patient sits on the chair and stops twitching, but the doctor's left arm starts twitching.
Patient 1: 'Oh thank you doctor. you cured me'
The patient leaves, the doctor still twitching calls for the next patient.
DOCTOR: ' Next '...... 'And what's wrong with you sir?'
This patient has the hiccups. The process of sitting in the chair is repeated. The doctor now has a twitch and the hiccups.
The third patient is called in, both his legs keep flicking in the air. The process is again repeated so that the doctor now has a twitching arm the hiccups and both legs flicking in the air.
The doctor now calls patient four. This patient looks quite normal, enters and sits in the magic chair.
DOCTOR: 'And what may I ask is wrong with you sir?'
Patient 4: 'I've got a terrible case of the trots doctor' The doctor runs off the stage holding his stomach.
Note: TROTS is English slang for can't stop going to the toilet
Need: 3 scouts (2 older scouts and 1 Cub Scout).
(Two Scouts come on stage carrying a long pole. They prop it up, then stand back and look at it.)
Scout 1: Now, there are several ways we can figure out the height of this pole. How do you want to start?
(The Scouts unsuccessfully try various methods of estimation to calculate the height of the pole. The conversation goes something like....)
Scout 1: According to my calculations, that pole is about 2 m high.
Scout 2: There's no way. It has got to be shorter than that. Just look at it.
(This kind of exchange repeats several times as the Scouts obviously become more and more exasperated. A Cub strolls onto the stage.)
Cub: Hi! (he watches a bit) What are you guys trying to do?
Scout 2: We're trying to measure the exact height of this pole.
Scout 1: We haven't had too much luck, yet, but we'll get it.
Cub: Why don't you just lay the pole on the ground and measure its length?
Scout 1: (scornfully) Cubs!
Scout 2: I'll say. (To the Cub) Didn't you hear right? We want to know how tall the pole is - not how long it is
A small tent is set up on stage. It should be easy to collapse, and probably should not be your best tent; it gets collapsed by the weight of several Scouts.
Two Scouts walk on stage together. They call each other "Master" and "Slave" as they discuss the trip they are taking. They notice that it is getting dark, and decide to spend the night. The Master announces that he will sleep in the tent. As he climbs into the tent, the Slave starts to come in also. The Master tells him that there is only room for one person, and that the Slave must sleep outside. The Slave protests weakly, looks disgusted, and eventually lies down on the ground. They go to sleep.
A gang of motorcyclists roars onto the far end of the stage, making motorcycle noises and pretending that they are riding. They stop, discover and point at the sleeping Slave, and discuss among themselves, "Let's get him!" They rush across the stage and beat up the Slave, who screams and calls for help. The gang rushes away, "Let's get out of here!"
The Slave rushes to the Master's tent and wakes him. He tells excitedly about the attack, and begs to sleep in the tent. The Master refuses to believe him, accuses him of inventing the story, and sends him back to sleep outside. Again they go to sleep.
The motorcycle gang reappears, and repeats the scene. The Slave is terrorized and insists on sleeping in the tent. He gets down on his knees and pleads. The Master is angry, and calls him a coward. Just to show the Slave that there is nothing to fear, the Master decides that he will stay outside and the Slave will sleep in the tent.
The motorcycle gang appears again, and confers at some length. They decide, "This time, let's get the guy in the tent!" They knock the tent down and fall on the Slave - again.
First, of course, he needs some volunteers from the audience. Three are selected, and each is briefed quickly as he comes to the front. (Choose scapegoats who have characteristics similar to the motorcycle they will represent.) The first is to go slowly when started. The second will go very fast, almost losing its rider. The third should not go anywhere. They are lined up on their hands and knees facing the crowd. "Now," says the Dealer, "You can see what fine motorcycles I have."
A Scout walks in and asks if he has any motorcycles for sale. Of course, the Dealer is eager to show his stock.
This first one is a Smith (use the victim's name). It's only 200 cc's, but a nice little machine. The Dealer makes his sales pitch and invites the Buyer to go for a ride. The Buyer straddles the Smith, raises himself up and mimics using the kick starter. The Buyer makes motorcycle noises, not very energetically. He 'rides' (actually straddles and walks) the Smith around in a slow circle, returning to the starting point. "That's too slow," says the Buyer, "Do you have anything more powerful?"
The next motorcycle is a 1000 cc Yablonski. Again the Buyer climbs aboard and operates the kick starter. The Yablonski roars to life and races around in a circle. The Buyer can barely hold on. "That's too fast! I could kill myself on that one!"
The Dealer says he thinks he has just the right one, a Jones that he recently received on trade-in. It's in good condition and has about the right power. The Buyer climbs on and tries to start. He makes sputtering noises. After several trials, he complains that something just isn't right because the Jones won't start. He gets off and stands looking at the motorcycle.
The Dealer yells angrily to Joe, who is offstage, "Joe! I thought I told you to put gas in the Jones!"
Joe replies, "Sorry Boss! I'll do it right now!" Joe enters quickly with a bucket or gas can and pours water onto the rear end of the Jones.
1) Short Shot: He spits; sound effect comes immediately.
2) Ricochet Shot: He spits for a side wall (tree etc. if outside) and watches it bounce around before it hits the bucket.
3) Long Shot: He spits and follows the long arc with his head; sound made after a long pause.
4) Fast Shot: Sound effect is made before he spits.
5) Super Shot: Advertised as the most famous. Spends a minute getting mouth full of spit, checks bulge out and finally spits. Guy in front stands up and wipes water or raw egg from eye.
Salesman: "Good morning sir, I like to show you the newest thing in electronic technology. My company has developed the new musical toilet seat. Would you be interested in buying this modern day marvel?"(ham this up, plead beg, etc. be a door to door salesman) Customer 1: "Do you have one that plays Dixie?" Customer 2 asked for "Eat the Rich" . Customer 3 asked for "Star Spangled Banner" Salesman, I sure do, Here it is, I hope you like it. I'll come back tomorrow to make sure you are satisfied."
The next day the Salesman goes back and asked of each customer: How did you like the musical toilet seat.? Customer 1: "It was great, it played Dixie and I sat there with a bucket of fried chicken enjoying each note. Customer 2: "It was great. I listened and read a copy of the Rolling Stone magazine." Customer 3: "I hated it, It just did not work out.
Salesman responds to Customer 3: "we have never had an unsatisfied customer, what went wrong? Customer 3: " It's that music. "Every time I sit down on the toilet, it starts playing the Star Spangled Banner and I have to stand up again!"
This skit is best presented indoors with a relatively small audience, so Nanook's demonstration is appreciated up close. The skit is best if not rehearsed.
Nanook is two people. One is seen by the audience from the waist up. His hands are inserted into a large pair of boots that are propped up on the table. He has a blanket-covered hunch back, which conceals the second Scout. The second Scout reaches his hands under the arms of the first; these are Nanook's hands. The visible Nanook should be a Scout who likes to talk and can keep a happy outlook in the face of some physical discomfort.
Collect all materials in advance, and plan the order in which they will be used. Encourage the Scouts to suggest ideas, but do not plan too many activities. The skit should not run more than 10 minutes at the most. A plastic sheet on the floor will help with the cleanup.
The curtain opens, and Nanook is seated behind a table. The table is draped with a blanket or sheet so that the audience cannot see behind it.
Nanook introduces himself, gesturing with his hands. He knows that he looks a little strange, but he is a very capable and independent Boy Scout. He is very proud that he knows how to take care of himself. Nanook would like to show us how he gets up in the morning. As he demonstrates, he talks about what he is doing.
"First, I wash my face." A Scout brings a basin of water and a washcloth. He washes, getting water over a wide area.
"Then, I shave." Applies shaving cream and shaves. (Use a safety razor without a blade!)
Because the person operating his hands cannot see, the results are, well, interesting. He washes off the soap and dries his face on a towel.
Nanook then puts toothpaste on his toothbrush and brushes his teeth. He brushes his hair.
Once he has cleaned up and the washing materials have been removed, it is time for breakfast -- a good big bowl of oatmeal, which he eats with a large spoon. He uses a big napkin to wipe his face. "Umm, that was good!"
Now he is ready to face the day. All he needs is his hat, a knitted cap.
Nanook thanks all the nice people for coming to see him. He hopes they have enjoyed their visit!
Leader: Boys, they're having a contest to redesign the World Conservation
Badge. So you guys should try to come up with some ideas.
Kids: Sure thing, Akela.
After a pause, #1 comes in.
#1: Here's an idea, Akela.
Leader: Hmm... not bad. But isn't that too dull?
#2: Akela! Look at this!
Leader: Really nice, but the design is too complicated for the badgemakers to put on a badge.
#3: I have a really good one, Akela!
Leader: Very good. But I think it's too big.
#4: This is it Akela! It's sure to be a winner!
Leader: This is perfect! It's bright enough, simple to make, and the right size. Where did you come up with this idea?
#4: It's a copy of the old badge!
4 of the tires are crouched in "tire" formation as on a car. The fifth is the spare tire at the back.
Salesman: Here, Sir, is our latest and best model. It also has an unbelievably low price. Let me show you the quality. (He "kicks" one of the tires -- tire falls flat and makes a hissing sound.) My, I'm so embarrassed. (He "kicks" another tire -- same thing happens. Start hamming it up, interacting more and talking with the buyer, apologizing profusely and being very embarrassed. Salesman successively kicks each tire until all 5 are kicked. Finally,)
Salesman: Hold on, let me get one of my men from the back. (Get your victim) Do you think you can fix these flats? (Instructs him to lift up each tire and so on, and each one rises to original position.) Well, I guess all that was needed was a nut to hold it up!
Cast: Salesman, Buyer, 4 people to be bicycles, Victim
The five "bicycles" are in doggy position.
Salesman: Here, Sir, is our most popular model. It also has an unbelievably low price. Try it.
Buyer: OK -- (tries it) -- no, it's not the right size.
Salesman: Then try this one. It's go 25 gears and goes really fast.
Buyer: No, I don't need that many.
Salesman: All right, try this one.
Buyer: I don't quite like the color.
Salesman: This one is a great mountain bike; great reports from everyone.
Buyer: Hmmm... OK. Hey! I really like this!
All of a sudden the mountain bike collapses -- falls down.
Salesman: My, I'm so embarrassed. Are you sure you wouldn't like to purchase one of the other bicycles? They're very good.
Buyer: Not really. I really liked this last one.
Salesman: Hold on, let me get one of my men from the back. (Get your victim.) Do you think you can fix this bike? (Instructs him to lift up the bike and pull this, tighten that.) Now Sir, try it.
Buyer: Hey! This is great! You've just sold this bike! What did your technician do?
Salesman: Well, I guess all that was needed was a nut to hold it up!
Lumberjack: (Enters) My old crosscut saw is worn out, and I need something that will let me cut more wood, or I'm going to go broke !
Owner : Yes, sir ! For only one hundred bucks you can be the proud owner of this chain saw. I guarantee that it will cut twice as much wood in a day as your own crosscut.
Lumberjack: (Handing over money) O.K. great ! (Exits)
Announcer: The next day.
Lumberjack: (Enters tiredly) There's something wrong with this saw. I worked very hard yesterday, and only cut half as much wood.
Owner : Well, sir, I have a lot of faith in this product. Here, I'll put a new chain on it and you give it another try.
Lumberjack: O.K., but if it doesn't do any better, I'll be back ! (Exits)
Announcer: The next day.
Lumberjack: (Enters exhausted) This darned saw is no good. I worked even harder, and still it won't cut half the wood of my old saw ! I want my money back !
Owner : Yes, sir ! Just let me check it out here. (Pulls starter rope)
Announcer: (Makes sound effects of saw running.)
Lumberjack: Oh, my gosh ! What on earth is all that noise ?
Editor: Okay, you're new on the job, so I'll give you a tip. You have to go and get a current story. Something new.
Reporter: Right, boss. Great news.
Goes out, comes running back in.
Reporter: Boss! Boss! Two weeks ago John Doe died falling into a manhole!
Editor: That's old news. I told you, something more recent.
Reporter: Fine, boss. Something newer.
Goes out, comes running back in.
Reporter: Boss! Boss! A week ago there was fire downtown!
Editor: (A little annoyed.) That's still old news. Something even more recent.
Goes out, comes running back in.
Reporter: Boss! Boss! A car wreck two days ago!
Editor: (Annoyed) No good! Too old! Something new! That's why they call it news!
Goes out, comes running back in.
Reporter: Boss! Boss! Editor of a major newspaper got shot today!
Editor: (Interested) Oh really? Who?
Reporter: You! (Shoots him with toy gun, and the editor falls to the ground.)
Rocket Pilot: Mayday! Mayday! Engine on fire. Mayday!
Ground control: We read you. Hang in there. We're going to try and lock in on you with our computer.
Rocket Pilot: Well, hurry up! I can't hold on much longer. I'm surrounded by flames.
Ground Control: O.K. This is critical. Before you eject -- state your height and position.
Rocket Pilot: Oh, I'm about 5 foot 6, and I'm sitting down. Bye! (Pretends to push eject button and jumps out of cockpit.)
Person with nosebleed, 3 Pedestrians, 4th Pedestrian
Setting: City Street
Nosebleed person is looking down at the ground. #1 comes in and looks around, then down, and mumbles,
#1: Hmm, what's going down, man? (No answer.)
#2 walks in, does the same thing, as does #3. #4 walks in, looks up for a moment, then asks,
#4: What are you guys doing?
Nosebleed: I don't know what these guys are doing, but I've got a nosebleed!