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Boy Scout Jokes  (Trying to add a little humor to scouting!)

Top Ten Signs You're
in a Bad Boy Scout Troop

10.You get merit badge for picking the trifecta at Aqueduct

9.You help old ladies across I-95

8.First rule in handbook: "Blame the kid who can't speak English"

7.You're part of a very special troop called the Gambino family

6.To become an Eagle Scout, you have to catch and eat a Bald Eagle

5.Since he can't get time off, troop leader holds meetings in his Century 21 office

4.You get busted for selling knot-tying secrets to Russian Boy Scouts

3.Scout master hands out his favorite campfire treat -- Marlboro Lights

2.Troop motto: "Be prepared...to lie on the witness stand"

1.Every year you have to put on a skirt and go door-to-door selling cookies


Top Ten Signs You're
At A Bad Summer Camp

10. All the camp counselors are dressed in yellow biohazard suits
9. Instead of making crafts with popsicle sticks, you just have to make popsicle sticks
8. Nighttime activities include sitting around campfire reading the Communist manifesto
7. You notice the list of camp staff includes a coroner
6. You recognize the counselors from "America's Most Wanted"
5. Water sports include hosing down the fat kid
4. It's being televised on FOX
3. When they run out of Hershey bars they use chocolate Ex-Lax for the S'mores
2. "Afternoon activies" = being locked in cabin and forced to make clothes for Kathie Lee
1. Thursday night activity: hide-and-seek with Gary Condit

A joke about desert survival:

A Scout Master was teaching his Boy Scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you
in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as
food, matches, etc.
Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes, Timmy,
what are the three most important things you would bring with you?"
asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction,
the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire,
someone is bound to come up behind you and say,
"Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"


A joke about some scouts in a cemetery:

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts.
Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts.

When they could hold no more nuts,
they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery.
The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets
by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile.

In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road.
The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts.
"One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me..."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them.
He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys,
because they were obscured by the tree.
He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house.
"The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and
stopped when they reached the cemetery.
They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments.
Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered.
Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts.
"One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out,
"The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent ... until a few moments later
as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other,
"Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."


Some other jokes:

Q: What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?
A: A bald eagle.

Scoutmaster: "Tenderfoot, how did you get that black eye?"
Tender Foot: "Sir, I was hit by a guided muscle with a knucklear warhead!"

Scoutmaster: The only way to acquire a new skill is to start at the bottom.
Tender Foot: But I want to learn to swim


The Grandmother, Boy scout, Teacher, and Smartest Man In the World


A Grandmother, Boy scout, Teacher, and the Smartest Man in the world were
on a plane. After a while, it was known that plane was failing and was about
to crash. There were only three parachutes, and four passengers. Being the
Smartest Man in the world, he took a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

The teacher, also being smart, thought to herself, 'teachers are needed in the
world to teach their knowledge to other.' So with that, she took a parachute
and jumped out the plane.

The Grandmother, being very wise, said to the boy scout, "I am old. I have
lived my life. You are still a young boy. Go, and take the last parachute."
But the Boy scout said, "No, it's okay. There are two parachutes left. The
Smartest Man in the world took my backpack."


News Flash!!! Grizzly Bear Warning

from the Department of Fish & Game



In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Department of Fish & Game is advising Scouts, hikers, hunters, and fishermen to wear little bells tied to their clothing while in the field.

It has been strongly advised that Scouts and outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting outdoorsman to be walking in their habitat.

It has also been strongly advised for Scouts and outdoorsmen to carry non-lethal pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

The Department states it is a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Scouts and outdoorsmen should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear scat.

Black bear scat is smaller and contains lots of berries and many times squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear scat has little bells in it, smells like pepper and many times pieces of red, tan and green fabric.


A letter from camp:

Dear Mom & Dad,

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas could blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also, some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,

Your son

P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?


YOU MIGHT BE TAKING YOUR SCOUTING TOO SERIOUS IF: 

Rate Yourself!
30-36    Hopeless.
24-30    Condition is "serious" but not fatal.
18-24    You're OK , (I'm OK) but be careful.
12-18    You must be an SA.
6-12     You obviously still have a life.
Under 6    Still in Cub Scouts, right?


Top Ten Reasons you might be a Boy Scout

10. If you can say fleur-de-lis and know what one is and occasionally are wearing one

9. If you have done a whipping and a lashing with no physical harm to anyone.

8. If you know how to speak in a native tongue Wimachtendienk, Wingolauchsik, Whitahemui

7. Your shoes are tied with a square knot so the bow goes across them.

6. You work on camp staff for less wages than flipping burgers at McDonalds to meet girls on parents night.

5. If your sleeping in a tent and you are not homeless.

4. If your all dressed up and ready to go out and have an American flag on your clothing.

3. If your are higher than a star because your an eagle.

2. Help a little old lady across the street without hearing the words "HELP PURSE SNATCHER!".

1. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight


Top Ten Reasons Why I'm In Scouting

10 - My basement was empty and needed remodeling anyway.

9 - I get to wear a uniform.

8 - I like the smell of bug repellant.

7 - I enjoy going to the bathroom in the woods.

6 - I'm in it for the crafts.

5 - I'm allergic to house chores (needed something to fill the void).

4 - I get quality time with my son and 30 of his closest friends.

3 - It's a great way to collect coffee mugs.

2 - I needed a tax write off.

1 - It only takes an hour each week.


You Might be a Boy Scout if....