Boy Scout Jokes
Boy Scout Jokes
Top Ten Signs You're
in a Bad Boy Scout Troop
10.You get merit badge for picking the trifecta at Aqueduct
9.You help old ladies across I-95
8.First rule in handbook: "Blame the kid who can't speak English"
7.You're part of a very special troop called the Gambino family
6.To become an Eagle Scout, you have to catch and eat a Bald Eagle
5.Since he can't get time off, troop leader holds meetings in his Century 21 office
4.You get busted for selling knot-tying secrets to Russian Boy Scouts
3.Scout master hands out his favorite campfire treat -- Marlboro Lights
2.Troop motto: "Be prepared...to lie on the witness stand"
1.Every year you have to put on a skirt and go door-to-door selling cookies
Top Ten Signs You're
At A Bad Summer Camp
|10.||All the camp counselors are dressed in yellow biohazard suits|
|9.||Instead of making crafts with popsicle sticks, you just have to make popsicle sticks|
|8.||Nighttime activities include sitting around campfire reading the Communist manifesto|
|7.||You notice the list of camp staff includes a coroner|
|6.||You recognize the counselors from "America's Most Wanted"|
|5.||Water sports include hosing down the fat kid|
|4.||It's being televised on FOX|
|3.||When they run out of Hershey bars they use chocolate Ex-Lax for the S'mores|
|2.||"Afternoon activies" = being locked in cabin and forced to make clothes for Kathie Lee|
|1.||Thursday night activity: hide-and-seek with Gary Condit|
A joke about desert survival:
A joke about some scouts in a cemetery:
Some other jokes:
Q: What do you call an Eagle Scout with a crew cut?
A: A bald eagle.
Scoutmaster: "Tenderfoot, how did you get that black
Tender Foot: "Sir, I was hit by a guided muscle with a knucklear warhead!"
Scoutmaster: The only way to acquire a new skill is to
start at the bottom.
Tender Foot: But I want to learn to swim
A Grandmother, Boy scout, Teacher, and the Smartest Man in the world were
on a plane. After a while, it was known that plane was failing and was about
to crash. There were only three parachutes, and four passengers. Being the
Smartest Man in the world, he took a parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The teacher, also being smart, thought to herself,
'teachers are needed in the
world to teach their knowledge to other.' So with that, she took a parachute
and jumped out the plane.
The Grandmother, being very wise, said to the boy scout,
"I am old. I have
lived my life. You are still a young boy. Go, and take the last parachute."
But the Boy scout said, "No, it's okay. There are two parachutes left. The
Smartest Man in the world took my backpack."
News Flash!!! Grizzly Bear Warning
from the Department of Fish & Game
A letter from camp:
Dear Mom & Dad,
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.
Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas could blow up? The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also, some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.
He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.
I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
P.S. How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?
YOU MIGHT BE TAKING YOUR SCOUTING TOO SERIOUS IF:
You buy that '89 Chevy Caprice because you really like that fleur-de-lis hood ornament.
Your favorite color is "Olive Drab".
You decide to lash together the new deck on the back of your house.
You plan to serve foil meals at your next dinner party.
You walk the streets in broad daylight with a coffee cup and flashlight hanging from your belt.
You raise your hand in the scout sign at a heated business meeting.
You were arrested by airport security because you wouldn't give up your official BSA pocket knife until the cop said "thank you".
You didn't mind losing power to your house for three days.
Your son hides his copy of Boy's Life from you.
Your plans for remodeling the bathroom include digging the hole deeper.
You trade your 25 foot center console fishing boat in on that great little 15 foot canoe.
Your favorite movie is "Follow Me Boys" starring Fred MacMurray, and you spent months trying to convince Disney to release it on home video.
You managed to find that 8th day in the week.
Your patron saint is Ward Cleaver.
You disconnect the automatic dishwasher in favor of the "3 pot method".
You sneak a cup of "Bug Juice" after the troop turns in for the night.
You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together.
Latrines at camp start becoming comfortable.
You felt you won a moral victory when BSA brought back knee high socks.
You think campaign hats are cool.
You gave your wife a mummy bag rated for -15 ° F for Christmas.
You name one of your kids Baden.
Your favorite tune is "Camp Granada" (hello mudda .hello fadda) by Allen Sherman.
You can recite the 12 points of the Scout Law backwards, in order, in 3 seconds flat.
You bought 10,000 shares of Coleman stock on an inside tip they were about to release a microwave accessory for their camp stove line.
You can't eat eggs anymore unless they are cooked in a zip-lock bag.
You plan to get rich by writing a best selling Dutch Oven cook book.
You took a chemistry course at the local college to help you develop a better fire starter.
You actually own a left-handed smoke shifter.
The height of your social season is the district recognition dinner.
A trip to Philmont is a pilgrimage.
You are convinced the center of the universe is Irving, Texas.
The sales operators at the BSA distribution Center's 800 number recognize your voice.
Singing "Scout Vespers" makes you cry uncontrollably.
You were disappointed when Scouting magazine didn't win the Pulitzer Prize last year.
The Scouts in your troop chipped in to have you abducted by a professional cult de-programmer.
24-30 Condition is "serious" but not fatal.
18-24 You're OK , (I'm OK) but be careful.
12-18 You must be an SA.
6-12 You obviously still have a life.
Under 6 Still in Cub Scouts, right?
Top Ten Reasons you might be a Boy Scout
10. If you can say fleur-de-lis and know what one is and occasionally are wearing one
9. If you have done a whipping and a lashing with no physical harm to anyone.
8. If you know how to speak in a native tongue Wimachtendienk, Wingolauchsik, Whitahemui
7. Your shoes are tied with a square knot so the bow goes across them.
6. You work on camp staff for less wages than flipping burgers at McDonalds to meet girls on parents night.
5. If your sleeping in a tent and you are not homeless.
4. If your all dressed up and ready to go out and have an American flag on your clothing.
3. If your are higher than a star because your an eagle.
2. Help a little old lady across the street without hearing the words "HELP PURSE SNATCHER!".
1. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight
10 - My basement was empty and needed remodeling anyway.
9 - I get to wear a uniform.
8 - I like the smell of bug repellant.
7 - I enjoy going to the bathroom in the woods.
6 - I'm in it for the crafts.
5 - I'm allergic to house chores (needed something to fill the void).
4 - I get quality time with my son and 30 of his closest friends.
3 - It's a great way to collect coffee mugs.
2 - I needed a tax write off.
It only takes an hour each week.
You Might be a Boy Scout if....
you have holes in the pockets of your jeans from carrying a pocket knife
you begin to think half frozen French fries don't taste that bad
you keep a bucket of water by your side while cooking dinner
you spontaneously break into strange songs in public
you can stare at a spider web for an hour and not even notice the time passing
you carry your own toilet paper wherever you go
you always read by flashlight
your radio is always tuned to the weather station
you horde tent stakes
you wear 2 pairs of socks to bed
you keep a lantern hanging outside your bathroom door
you sleep under a trash bag
you cannot walk by a piece of trash without picking it up
you always carry a duffle bag size first aid kit in your car.
you always have hat hair
you continue to wear things until they stand on their own
you're always counting how many matches you have left
you tie up your little brother...and he can't get loose
your pots and pans are all black
you roast mini marshmallows on a paper clip over a candle, put it on a golden graham with a shaving of chocolate," just to get the flavor"
you always cook enough food for twelve
pie iron pizzas is the best meal you've had all week
you always keep a cup hooked to your belt
all your dishes have little bits of eggs stuck to them
you own little pieces of felt in every color
you open letters with a pocket knife
you have something on your shoe, and you're sure its, "only mud"
you eat ants on a log and like it
you wear bread bags on your feet
you know 365 one pot meals
you buy our shampoo in tiny little bottles
everything in your cupboard says "instant- just add water"
you help little old ladies...whether they want it or not.
your neighbors hide when they see you going around the neighborhood with, "that order form"
you have to go to the bathroom and you look for a buddy (this could also mean that you are female)
you really do use those emergency sewing kits
you go to someone's house, don't like the food and ask for peanut butter and jelly
you tie your shoes and look in the handbook to see if it counts towards a merit badge
you see a pile of rocks and immediately put them in a circle
you know 100 uses for a bandana
all your shirts have pinholes in them
you wear thongs (A.K.A. flip-flops) in the shower
You collect used candles and dryer lint
someone asks for a volunteer and you find your hand is already in the air
your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off